warning: i am really wound-up today so this will likely be an overly emotional, roller coaster of a post. so if pms, intense whining and fat talk annoy you...just stop now. seriously.
i'm going to gain weight and likely have already started the process. i am out of control and have been for a couple of months. but the last couple of weeks have started to scare me. when i say out of control, i don't mean an extra cookie here or a big pile of french fries there. i mean that i've stopped caring enough to try (ie. i ate a cheeseburger three days in a row last week). i'm beating myself up and giving myself the little speech but i've stopped listening to it. and i don't know why. i'm feeling ok, not in a big funk and i'm proud of size. but yet, i'm sabotaging it. and i don't know why.
i think i've been trying to find some sort of balance. but i don't know if that's possible. i cringe at the thought of thinking about every piece of food that i put in my mouth for the rest of my life but i think i'm going to have to. i want to be the person that stops when they are full, that has a good happy balance and doesn't stress about food all the time. but again, i dont' think that is possible for me. i just keep thinking of the hard work that it took to get me where i am. the years of feeling the way i do right now...being out of control. it is a horrible, horrible feeling in my gut that just makes me want to crawl in a hole. you would think that feeling alone would make me not eat the donut (or at least donuts) in the morning.
but i am proud to say that i enrolled in my swim class. and i'm sad to admit that i am a little embarrased. i hope there are other adults in this class because i feel a little slow taking it now. the age is 14 and older and i have this fear that i am going to walk in and there will be five 14-year old boys in the class. hmmmm.
i have realized though, despite my many complaints while doing it, that i miss running. i miss the accomplishment feeling that i get. i miss the good workout. i've been trying to let my back issue heal itself and it's feeling a lot better. but i'm still a little afraid to run when it's so testy. so i guess i should avoid for now. maybe swimming will be something i enjoy.
i've also enrolled in a class for the fall. i'm taking drawing I at OCCC. yep, a drawing class. i am the beginning student. both of these are classes i should have taken when i was 8! anyway, i've been tossing around the idea in my head of trying to learn more graphic design stuff so maybe i could slowly move my career in that direction. A has also let me start working with her some, which is fantastic practice. drawing I, how does that apply to the current topic, you ask. well, you see i have a decent eye for layout and have decent experience with programs. but i know that i lack some serious creative/artistic skills. i'm creative in certain ways but i have a hard time being bold and adventurous with color and layout elements. so i'm thinking that some good old fashioned art classes might help me be able to express more creative elements. i would also like to take a design and color class. but most importantly, i'm sort of bored with my life right now and a class is a pretty easy way to shake some things up and entertain myself.
i know that there are lots of you (at least five) creative types - give me your thoughts on my plan. can i learn to be more artistic? do you just have to dive in and start practicing?
and lastly, you may remember that i signed up to be in a postcard swap. i sent my postcards out last week and i received my first postcard this week - all the way from south africa - isn't that fun. i love the internet. my postcard pal lives at here.
i'm off to walk my dog...
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2 comments:
Warning: Encouraging Mom Comments About to Occur
On the food issue, it's easy to go on a food rebellion. It is certainly no fun being mindful of every item and portion you ingest. I think you're cognitive enough to not let this kind of stuff overtake you for too long. I see a pointed exercise = better eating connection in you so maybe the swimming will help. Don't worry, all the 14 year old boys will be there to offer encouragement.
I'm glad to hear you are taking an art class. Little miss technical is not one of the creative types you speak of but yes, I do think delving into artistic endeavors makes you a better artist. Nothing helps the creative spark more than immersing yourself in it. Though some have a more natural ability than others, skills can be learned which I think will lend itself to more artistic creativity. Do you know who your professor is yet?
Ditto Wis and Brent....
I think a drawing class is an excellent exercise in "learning how to see." I think it is exceptionally rare to find someone prolific in creating art who has not had to work at it and spend a lifetime improving skills. Good for you Christie!
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