just like gossip girl except...

ok, so i'm knee deep in the speaker drama going on at the state capitol.  not really knee deep because i'm not running for anything, i always file my taxes, and i don't think i've ever had late property taxes...but still i find it very, very riveting.

so my rep. refuses to choose sides or at least he's not claiming a side.  and everyone wants him on their team so for last few days there has been a constant flow of people courting him and trying to get him to commit. 

overall it seems quite junior highish.  and funny. 

and i've stumbled across a blog recently that is an insiders view on state politics. i would list it here but i'm somewhat paranoid and don't want charlie to find out i'm a liberal.  but anyway...it's not an anonymous blog but there's always posts that say things like "an anonymous source" or "our sources at the capital" or "insiders" and it just seems so hush, hush

but it reminds me of gossip girl...i wish there were scandalous photos taken with extra cool cell phones and every post ended in xoxo gossip girl.  that would be so awesome. 

 

anyway, within a matter of one day one guy was slated to be in and then a few hours later it all falls apart because of late property taxes.  and then more politician crap hits the fan.  and all the while i'm just sitting at my desk wasting the day away. 

i really find it funny.  and sort of bothersome that these are the folks running my state's government.  

but that's enough of that.  i told charlie the news today and he took it ok.  i don't really think he was that surprised...i think he knew i was a little bit overqualified for the job.  the plan is to hang out until the 14th and then start the new gig.  tomorrow i'm meeting with the new folks to go over a little more stuff (insurance, procedures, etc...) just to get a better grip.  unless i discover something completely life shattering i'm just gonna sign up for it and not look back. 

by the way, in case you don't know...looking back isn't helpful in the least. 

oh and i went to a luncheon at the governor's mansion today...he spoke and they had yummy mashed potatoes. it was a good time. 

and to close this random post...i've had a hard time sleeping this week thanks to my worry habit and one of my new, almost old co-workers told me about a tea called sleepytime extra and said it was great and would help me sleep. so i'm sipping on some now and doubting it's ability (and guessing typing this close to bed and sipping my tea probably isn't a good idea). but i'm going to give it a whirl and the funny thing is that i'm sort nervous after reading the box and some info online. 

Caution: 

Recommended for adults only. If you are taking prescription medication, pregnant or nursing, consult your health care provider prior to using this product. Persons with allergies to the daisy family may be sensitive to chamomile. Do not drive or operate machinery after consuming this product. Do not combine kava kava products with alcohol. Simultaneous consumption may strengthen intoxication. We recommend that you use no more than 4 tea bags per day.

and this was a review online -

This is a great product. Valerian has two side effects, one being it makes you tired and the other is it keeps you awake. This won't work for everyone but when it works it works.

if i post another blog at 3am...you'll know why.

still sighing...

but things are a little better today.  i'm still anxious but when am i not...really? 

today i got a job offer. it's at a local architecture firm that's about a mile from my house.  i'm getting the money i asked for. they seem like nice people and i think it will be a challenge.  yet not so much a challenge that i will loose myself in it.  you may or may not know that i get very absorbed in things and then i fret and worry and stress and end up completely unhappy.  just ask e...he knows this routine.  so i decided years ago that i needed to be in a place that allowed me to still have my life and my sanity. 

this job probably isn't an ideal career move but let's be honest i think careers are overrated.  sure they look good on a resume and make your peers jealous but when it's all said and done i just don't care.  i want to pay my bills, make the most money for least amount of work, feel good about myself and actions at the end of the day and have some fun.  

my goal this days is to earn some money and get out of this hole that we are in.  that would be the semi post-band, life in limbo hole.  the hole that keeps me tied to this place...i mean that both figuratively and literally.  

and hopefully i will still be able to dabble in the graphic design stuff, get e into school and then we can cross the self-employed bridge in the future. 

so there.  i'm not going to finish my time out at the capital and that makes me sort of sad...but not sad enough to take away the worry that i've had lately.  i'm meeting with the new folks on friday to cover a few more questions and then i think the deal will be sealed.  in the meantime i have to tell super nice charlie...and i'm not looking forward to that.  he is going to be disappointed and i don't like make people unhappy.  sigh.  but i think i'm just taking the band aid approach tomorrow. just rip.  don't pause. don't think about it.  just do it. 

hopefully this is the end of this saga. maybe now i can get back to worrying about everyday things.

sigh.

i'm struggling today.  i seem to do ok for a couple of weeks and then i just get overwhelmed by this job stuff.  there are money issues that involve insurance, the future and the ability to pay my bills in the long-term.  and then there's the job search process which is just the most humbling experience possible.  send your resume...wait. get a call...wait.  go to an interview...wait.  all the while worrying and fretting if you will hear something and what you will do if you do.

actually i was talking to e about the interview process today and he compared it to trying on clothes...nothing ever feels quite right.  and then i decided it was like trying on bathing suits.  they might fit ok but then i start to overanalyze it, look at the hips, wish my boobs were bigger, beat myself up that i don't exercise more.  but in an interview it involves my answer about my previous employer, or the joke i made about al gore, or do i really want to work with five partners...it just goes on and on. 

all i'm saying is...it's tiring and i'm struggling this week.  it will pass. all will be well. 

i know that i just need stop worrying about it and put on my bathing suit and go swimming.  

today i learned...

so many lessons as of late. 

i'm going to worry whatever happens.  i used to always think that my worry and anxiety was tied to an event but actually it's just tied to me. 

today i got word that someone that i interviewed with last week was checking my references.  good, right?  so then i get an email that another employer wants to meet with me.  both of these are good things...i don't have a full-time gig, i need a full-time gig...either of these could be my answer. 

but no.  i start pondering my options and it completely freaks me out.  i end up in a horrible, sighing mood for the rest of the day.  and i'm back to fearing that i will make a bad decision. either of these, which keep in mind neither of these has been offered to me, would be a good job.  one might be funner, one is closer, but all in all, either would be a great thing.

so why can't i just see it as that.  why must it get so out of control in my head?  oh wait, i know because that's how my brain works and i just need to use my coping, "be in the moment" skills but it's just so hard.  

and plus things have gotten incredibly boring for me at that capital so i just had a ton of time to think about things. 

but i did talk to the capital chaplain.  yes, there is a chaplain that roams the halls daily checking on us.  i asked him what his thoughts were on god having a plan for our lives.  he gave me a pretty standard response but then he said something that stood out to me.  he said that he tends to judge his decisions by what brings him peace.  and that he thinks that our path really isn't a path but really is living your life by using your spiritual gifts.  and he recommended a book on discovering your spiritual gifts.  anyway, i thought it wasn't interesting take on things. 

anyway, i fret a lot and i'm 96.2% sure it's pointless.  

there was a line in the movie bella that stuck out to me.  "I used to worry.  Then I did a little research and found out that ten out of ten people die."

well aren't i glad i spent my day in a tizzy.  

i can just see it...

(to my boss) i'm sorry i didn't get my work done today...i just couldn't help it...i had to play with the big colorful balls of yarn.  it's your fault for having such fun things laying around. 

what i learned this week...

i am no longer a conservative.  

this may not shock you but it really shocked me.  i have some conservative moral beliefs but politically i am clearly on the left side of the fence. 

and for some reason this was a difficult thing to settle into.  i'm guessing it has something to do with my long baptist, gotta be a conservative republican christian background...but funny thing is i've been an independent for years.  i'm guessing independent wasn't as big of a jump as liberal.  it's bizarre and makes no sense to me. 

one thing i've learned this past year...

i'm not very honest with my family about some of my beliefs.  in some ways i let them think i'm a really good conservative that follows all the "rules."  which is probably one of the reasons i have a hard time having a healthy relationship with my family. 

so today i made a decision to try this honesty thing.  we were hanging out with my family and long story short...i told my dad about the mlk/obama march.  it just about killed me.  why, i'm not sure. but i have a guess.  a month or so ago i was talking to a friend about the weird relationship with my mother and it occurred to me that although i'm not incredibly close to my mother and for the most part am not friends with her...i feel this tremendous need to gain her approval and have her like me.  which i suppose is natural but this often leads to me not being honest about myself.  i think if i'm honest it will lead to disapproval.  and it's mostly all in my head. 

so i'm trying.  trying to be more honest.  trying to live fully in my own skin. 

and you know what...it wasn't so bad.  no one shunned me.  no one screamed. eveyone was ok. 

now that's some heaviness for your monday morning.  have a good one. 

40 things about me...

i'm just following the fuston train.

1. i prefer white cake over chocolate
   
2. i've been married for 11 years
   
3. i have completed a full and half-marathon
   
4. i need to lose about 10lbs...quickly
   
5. at one point in my life i had seven sets of grandparents (thanks to many divorces)
   
6. my stepfather was the best man in my parent's wedding (long story)
   
7. i have three half siblings 
   
8. i love fruit desserts
   
9. i don't really like apples
   
10. people often mistakingly call me cindy
    
11. my first car was a $1200 buick skyhawk
    
12. i have no musical skills but love music
    
13. i wish i could paint pretty pictures
    
14. i'm addicted to coffee and the internet
    
15. i have both really good and really bad luck with no rhyme or reason
    
16. the thought of nyc makes me happy
    
17. sadly my cup is generally half empty
    
18. i need to eat more fruit and vegetables
    
19. and drink more water
    
20. i was born a goody-goody
    
21. i thought this list would be easy, i was wrong
22. i read about 25 blogs daily
23. my first job was a grocery store cashier...i have some mad 10-key skills
24. i find baking relaxing...probably because there is warm baked something at the end. 
25. i don't sleep enough
26. my father has been a drug user most of his life
27. i wish me and my family understood each other better
28. i should probably see a counselor regularly
29. my wrists are very small compared the rest of my body
30. the last book i read was by anne lamott
31. once upon a time i was a good baptist
32. i think i'm a kind person
33. i am introverted
34. i should go to church tomorrow but i probably won't
35. i love willie nelson...and the reason why escapes me
36. i own way too many bags and coats
37. i am kinda unemployed
38. i would cry if my ipod nola died
39. text messaging baffles me
40. i find shopping at thrift stores therapeutic

u2 fan or not...

you should really see this. we had to take a short drive to tulsa to catch it at the imax but it was so worth it. hopefully it will make it to closer theaters soon.

wow is all i can say.

i heart the dollar movies...

caught this at the dollar movies tonight.



a different kind of love story.

job hunting sucks.

just needed to vent to someone or something. it's late. and i'm getting depressed.

i should go to bed.

(to self) no need to beat yourself up. you are a great worker and have great skills. all is well. plus charlie thinks your great.

barack the vote.

today we participated in the mlk parade downtown.  it was a good time. 

thanks george. thanks a lot.

i am a believer.  i consider myself a religious person. i have some pretty conservative beliefs but the thought of having another george in office just wears me out.  actually it scares me.

don't wear what i wear...

really. 

i'm no fashion guru. i have very limited taste.  i like very classic looks but need something to stand out.  i don't want to draw a lot of attention to myself, just a little bit.  and sometimes i think this goes horribly awry.  me and e are a lot a like.  we are both very picky but some might wonder why or how.  

but i want to talk some fashion. 

in december e and i went to a movie.  i think it was as the ice apocalypse of 2007 was wrapping up so there was still a lot of snow and ice around.  anyway, while at the mall i noticed two girls wearing flip flops.  and my first thought was WTF? is there not snow on the ground?  and then i caught myself and realized that i am old.  if the stupid 19 year old wants cold toes...fine. it's not my problem.  maybe to the teenage population she doesn't looks stupid.  

earlier this week as i was walking out the office i noticed a girl in a skirt wearing sandals. and i mean summer sandals.  and this wouldn't be a big deal if it was above say 50 degrees and not january.  i was speechless and the practicality was just spewing out of me.  this was a professional, walking out of the state capital and she was wearing summer sandals.  i promptly called my fashion forward friend amy...just to make sure i wasn't losing my mind and that sandals didn't somehow become winter friendly.  

and then the next day i saw a girl wearing a skirt with heels and no hose.  at least her toes were covered i suppose.  i understand hating hose...that's why i don't wear skirts between mid-october and mid-march. 

and now for my final rant.  since i've gone back to nice clothes work and conveniently moved up a size i've had to get a few new items.  plus, i'm really not sure what i wore last winter because i own about three sweaters.  anyway.  as i've been perusing around i've been checking out boot sales...and i really want to like boots.  they're in, sexy and when worn right are just cool.  but i just can't commit to them.  it might be an issue with my big calves but that's another story. 

i just want to know...those of you out there wearing the skinny toe boots...can you still feel your toes?  because i would have to cut my toes off to wear them.  again, this might be due to the fat calves and wide feet my mother passed onto me. 

i'm just saying...don't listen to me because i'm getting old. 

just some randomness...

i read about these in a blog a few weeks back and for some reason the thought of them makes me me feel like i need to stretch my toes.  especially now that i'm wearing dress shoes again. but that is a high price to pay for stretched toes. 

a neti what.  so a few months back i saw an episode of oprah...one with dr. oz who either inspires me to be healthier or feel horrible that i'm not healthy enough. anyway i saw the segment on neti pots and decided to give one a try seeing that i'm always taking something for allergies and sinus issues.  i read an article recently (that for some reason i can't find again) about how that one episode has created an huge interest in neti pots and they are all the rage now.  i've not used mine consistently enough to determine if it's doing anything but the article also mentioned that it can relieve dark circles under your eyes...and well that's another issue of mine.  so i'm currently on my fourth straight of day of the neti.  yes...vanity is what drives me.

i'm not one to generally promote health and beauty items...mostly because i'm pretty lazy about health and beauty items but i love this lotion.  i had some light eczema awhile back and my doctor suggested this lotion and it worked wonders.  just wanted to pass it on.  it's not very fancy or sexy lotion and it smells pretty lame but it softens wonderfully. 

this seriously the lamest post i've ever done but i just wanted to talk about the yoga toes and my favorite lotion.  

really...

i'm not ok with this. 

worry is...

today's mice nibbling on tomorrow's cheese. 

as useless as a handle on a snow ball.

like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere. 

annoying. 

today i got a rejection letter in the mail from an insurance company.  in addition to losing my job a few months back, i also lost my health insurance.  so now i'm in search of health insurance, and unfortunately (or fortunately) i know that i have a strange blood disorder and have received treatment.  and since i listed it...they refuse to cover me.  

wow. i continue to be amazed at how much life has changed over the last 6 months. 

wow. 

one of my favorite worrying activities...making lists.  for those list makers out there. 

another one bites the dust...

weekend that is.

i'm heading back to the capital tomorrow. there really isn't much to report. it's pretty boring right now, my rep is barely there and there's no training whatsoever. i'm really just flying by the seat of my pants...such as life these days.

this weekend has been pretty frustrating. on friday night my back started hurting really bad (you might remember my last back pain stint was back in 2006 and lasted months). anyway, i basically spent the weekend taking it easy which the annoyed the crap out of me. i still have christmas stuff sitting in my dining room that i haven't been able to put up because of random weekend ailments. but my back is feeling a little better, i feel as if i can stand up straight now. stretching...it's all about stretching and i've been pretty lazy lately.

so there.

also, i've been trying to eat better and have done good this week...until today. i swear today i have a tape worm hanging out in my belly. i just keep eating. but i'm remaining calm and rational. tomorrow is a new day.

anyway, this post seems dreadfully boring to me...

happy monday.

so tired...

i'm beat today. i don't think i've been sleeping well and i'm still battling this cold. i need a day off...sigh. i'm going to bed in a few.

i had an interview today...i think it went well but time will tell. part-time, full benefits. it would be a good find.

as much as i really want to be the free spirited kind that goes from job to job trying different things, soaking up the experiences...it really stresses me out. stressed if i do this, stressed if i do that, stressed just to be stressed.

1 point hillary, 1 point obama. this is going to be interesting.

and where did mccain come from. we are a confused and divided country.

rotunda what? where?

so i survived my first day and honestly it was pretty uneventful.  i saw my rep for about 5 minutes.  and he told me he might be in tomorrow, might not.  i guess for the next few weeks it's going to be hit and miss.  which means that i got nothing going on...oh wait there were the three RSVPs he asked me to send in.  i had to wait on one though because i'm not sure of his meat choice. 

but in all it was a good day.  i met some lovely ladies...i'm assuming there are men assistants but i've yet to meet one.  one thing i noticed was the incredibly broad range of assistants.  they literally range from early 20's to...i'm going to guess 70's.  

at this point, i'm really not sure what's in store but i'm guessing it's going to be interesting. 

speaking of interesting.  i have received two job phone calls this week. i suppose everyone is heading back to work and finally following up on resumes sent in november.  i'm going to check both of them out because as much as i would love to hang out at the capital, a long term gig with benefits is still an interest for me.  

we'll see.  tune in next time for as the world of my employment search turns. 

but i do hear we will get lots of free food and goodies at the capital.  it's the perk that everyone talks about. 

speaking of food.  i've officially stopped counting points.  i just can't do it.  it sends me into hoarding mode and i usually only last a day and a half.  so i'm just trying to eat less. avoid the fast food.  limit my cookie intake. only eat two pieces of pizza.  so really i'm just trying to eat less.  novel concept, eh?  i figure my point counting experience can be somewhat utilized when weighing options or getting an overall feel for the day but i can't do wholeheartedly...i just go nuts. 

blah, blah, blah...i eat too much.  same story.  different day.

a friend recently mentioned to me that she had thought about what it would be like to explain gastric bypass to someone in a third world country...think about it...it's bizarre. 

sleepy time...another day awaits. 

 

back to life.

i'm heading back to work tomorrow. i'm somewhere between...excitement and dread. such as life in my head. the dread is mostly from the thought of putting on dress clothes. tight dress clothes at that.

i'm still a little sick and took a nap this afternoon...i had a list of things to do and none of it got accomplished. but i know that if i want to nap...i really need it because naps don't come easy to me. anyway, i'm heading to bed tonight at a decent time...hopefully my nap won't interfere with my beauty sleep. wow this is riveting today.

here's a little flashback to kick off your monday.

rip.

today i went to a funeral.  my dad's (aka stepdad's) older brother died. 

funerals are interesting, especially the generic kinds, where the pastor didn't know the deceased, the lovely "get to know jesus" speech and the little handouts with thomas kinkade paintings on the front. 

and they are always an event that make you ponder your life, how your living, and what you should be doing. i haven't really experienced much death in my life...relatives here and there but not anyone who has tremendously affected me in their death. and i'm just waiting because i know it will come and you can't really prepare.  well you can try but that generally ends in my stressing and crying over something that isn't reality...never a healthy activity.  so i'm a little scared of it. 

and i think most of us are.  it's death afterall.  but should we be?  because we know coming in that we just spend the rest of the time preparing to check out.  is there a way to embrace that? and if you could embrace it would it lead to living a more fulfilling life? if we could recognize that this is a short ride and we are merely a blip...with a footprint on this earth of about 100 years (our lives and our closed loved ones and friends)...would i worry about the stupidness of things in this life. 

so i wonder is it possible to live in a world that is controlled by the dollar and requires things and housing and insurance...but also not get so caught up in it that i can take full advantage of my brief time here.  

i've spent the last fews months with turmoil going on in my head about things that are fleeting. completely fleeting. do i have to pay bills?  sure. do i need a job? it's helpful.  but all is well. and it will be well.  life is life and it will go on.  

i'm just saying.  i need to work on keeping perspective. 

rip jack.  i hope you find more peace in your current home than you often found in this one.  

local news story of the day.

Man stabs another man with pork chop bone

in celebration...

of my last week of no work.

i've decided to get sick.

yippee!

because we are predictable.

e and i (along with the rest of the world) are jumping back on the "eat healthy, count points" bandwagon.  we decided that if we do it together we are definitely more likely to stick with it.  so far today i've done good with the slight exception of the shortbread cookie i just stuck in my mouth.  these are cookies that we received in a tin for christmas, i think e received them from his mother which is funny because e hasn't eaten desserts for three years.  anyway, i love shortbread cookies and will likely have to throw these away because they will haunt me.  and for prepackaged, in a tin cookies they are yummy.  

and today my opinion that women get the short end of the stick on pretty much everything in life was confirmed yet again...we determined our allowable points this morning.  e gets more points for his weight alone than i get in an entire day.  and men get a ton of wiggle room just because of gender.  errrr...so this is what i foresee being a typical day.  it's dinner time and i have 6 points left for the day which will get me a ground turkey taco...just barely.  e on the other hand will have 23 points to end the day with...again more than my entire total for the day. 

rant, rant, rant...

but in an effort to encourage a little weight loss i went to the gym today and listened to LCD Soundsystem.  and i must admit it was a great listening experience, helped me pick up my speed, made me want to boogie and is just good fun.  so i'm sharing a little with you because we all need more good fun.

really just listen...it will be fun.

balloons...lots of balloons.

happy new year friends.  here's to love, contentment and joy in the new year.  and a few more balloons.