what i learned this week...

i am no longer a conservative.  

this may not shock you but it really shocked me.  i have some conservative moral beliefs but politically i am clearly on the left side of the fence. 

and for some reason this was a difficult thing to settle into.  i'm guessing it has something to do with my long baptist, gotta be a conservative republican christian background...but funny thing is i've been an independent for years.  i'm guessing independent wasn't as big of a jump as liberal.  it's bizarre and makes no sense to me. 

one thing i've learned this past year...

i'm not very honest with my family about some of my beliefs.  in some ways i let them think i'm a really good conservative that follows all the "rules."  which is probably one of the reasons i have a hard time having a healthy relationship with my family. 

so today i made a decision to try this honesty thing.  we were hanging out with my family and long story short...i told my dad about the mlk/obama march.  it just about killed me.  why, i'm not sure. but i have a guess.  a month or so ago i was talking to a friend about the weird relationship with my mother and it occurred to me that although i'm not incredibly close to my mother and for the most part am not friends with her...i feel this tremendous need to gain her approval and have her like me.  which i suppose is natural but this often leads to me not being honest about myself.  i think if i'm honest it will lead to disapproval.  and it's mostly all in my head. 

so i'm trying.  trying to be more honest.  trying to live fully in my own skin. 

and you know what...it wasn't so bad.  no one shunned me.  no one screamed. eveyone was ok. 

now that's some heaviness for your monday morning.  have a good one.