Friday 9:05pm

and i just got home from a walk with blu. exciting, seriously exciting i tell you.

sometimes i really enjoy walking. especially the times when i'm feeling very introspective. i ponder things, i analyze my psyche, all sorts of deep meaningful things. i've actually been feeling this way the last couple of days - which sometimes is a good thing but other times it's an exhausting emotional time for me. i've yet to come to determine what the result will be of this episode of introspectiveness.

i hate my job. i like my co-workers and the work i do is ok but i really don't like the job. it's not home. i feel like when i'm there i have to be something else. a part of the dysfunctional system with bad motives. it's boring, stuffy and there is nothing creative or interesting about it. therefore sparking nothing or creative or interesting out of me. there is more to me and i don't know how long i can stay there. i've told myself a year...i'm going on eight months...surely.

and then there's the whole idea of looking for a job...which is the worst evil?

on another topic of my introspectiveness. i'm thinking about seeing a counselor. i have some serious emotional issues stemming from my family background. i've tried to deny them, i've tried to address them by myself or with friends but i think i need a professional to guide me. i know what's wrong and i can generally find the root of the issue but i can't seem to get over the hump of dealing with the issue.

all of this started at work yesterday with a baby conversation which led to a family conversation which led to me stating outloud (i know it's horrible) that i don't like my mother. and it's true. i don't like her and if i were really honest i would say that i have some deep seeded hatred or anger towards her. which is odd because she was the good, consistent parent.

i've also been thinking a lot lately about how i have disconnected emotionally from most of my family. my mother, my grandparents, anyone that is attached to the emotional baggage i carry, i disconnect from. come on...this isn't healthy. and then i realize anyone i know, anyone, any of you reading this, i feel as if i am one step away from emotionally detaching from you. literally at any given moment i feel as if i could walk away. i don't but i always have this retreat feeling in my gut and i hate it.

on to a lighter topic. points. i'm doing ok. yesterday i went over by quite a bit, today i'm doing ok. while i was on my walk i realized that i hadn't eaten any protein today and was convincing myself that i really needed protein - ignoring that i've used all of my points. at one point i was thinking a bean burrito was a good option. deep down though i know that fast food never equals good option. fast food always equals bad.

i'm going to watch junebug tonight. i will let you know my thoughts.