the felon, the granny and the thirtysomething...

take a roadtrip...

i'm taking a roadtrip with my grandmother and my biological father. yes, i have gone insane. but i do have a small bit of logic to back-up my decision. so my grandma calls me over the weekend. this is my grandma who pretty much was my mother until i was 5 and who has been the most consistent figure in my life. so when she asks me if i will do something with her...i do it. my father has two boys who live in corpus christi and they are considerably younger than me. 13 years and 10 years to be exact. the oldest is graduating from high school and my grandma wants to take a road trip to the graduation/festivities. note here (in case you are unfamiliar with my crazy father) my father has never been consistent in my life and when he was he was likely high. he also went to prison recently and hasn't acknowledged my birthday since i was 15.

eek.

a road trip with my lovely 70 somthing grandma, the recent prisoner and i to see my half-brothers who i have had very limited contact with...sigh. and we will travel about 20 hours together in a car...sigh. naive as i might be i'm thinking i could potentialy resolve some of my father issues on this trip. that's what would happen if this were a movie. keep in mind i will spend more time with stanley on this trip than i have spent with him in probably 20 years. i'm also hoping that maybe i can make up for not being a very good sister to these boys. maybe this is a chance to renew some sort of relationship. yeah, i probably am being naive.

and lastly, i'm seriously afraid to let the two of them drive across texas together, alone. they have been known to complain about OKC traffic. but seriously, the stress and overanalyzing of this trip and the reprecusions have already started. i imagine a good couple of weeks of emotional trauma when i return. hide the donuts.

Now to other stuff.

Church. Eddie and I have been going off and on for a couple of months now. Tuesday we had dinner with the pastor's family, associate pastor and two other couples. They seem very nice and not too cynical or negative. it was a nice time. one negative though. they all have babies, the moms are stay at home moms and they all live in the outer downtown area and have wooden floors. will i have anything in common with these people?

Tonight I went to a small group with them. It was good. Yes, it is good for me to talk about God some. Last week I had a conversation with the Dosters and friends and I've been thinking a lot about the mystery of God. It came up again tonight. What if I could just embrace the mystery of it all? I'm pretty sure that would be a beautiful thing because honestly it's never going to make sense to me. I will never be able to accept things like I did in the past.

Diet & Exercise. E bought me a book about compulsive eathing for my birthday. And yes I did ask for it. I keep thinking about how I'm always good or bad. And there seems to be this trend among "eaters" that we are always good or bad. I want to be balanced and honestly I don't know if it's possible. I like to think that I won't always worry about food but even if I was 20lbs lighter I would still feel bad about the cheeseburger I had for dinner. And I think do I always have to feel bad or can I just eat it, move on and the next meal what? Should I say eat something light, adjust, eat what I want? See this is where the confusion abounds...because given the opportunity I will eat the tots everytime.

I'm going to leave it at that. Sorry for all the rambling, bad grammar and change in case midway through.