i was getting ready for bed and i had an interesting, personal profound thought and generally i have these and think - i'll ponder them or post about them later - and then i forget so i decided to do it now. and i'm sleepy so if it's badly written or makes no sense...so sorry.
last week i was telling one of my new co-workers about my family and if you know anything about my family, you know the stories go on and on. there's the drugs, the divorces, the long lost father, the drugs, the alcohol, more divorces and some jesus thrown in. anyway, i was telling e about this and we were discussing how good of a thing it is and was that i have a pretty rational personality, was born a goody-goody and had wonderful grandparents...otherwise it could have been bad for me. my early years had all the makings of a very angry, rebellious person.
but you know what...i'm not angry. not at my father for choosing to not be my father at all. not at my mother for passing on to me a crap load of issues. not at any of them. it's just the way it is and i'm ok with that. there's hurt, sadness for lost relationships, some emotional baggage that will always be there but i'm not angry.
in most cases, anger is slow coming to me.
but i just realized something...i'm always angry at myself. angry for being a failure, angry for eating too much, angry for not being good with money, angry for not being able to make decisions, angry for how the chicken turned out for dinner, angry that my pants are tight, angry that i don't sew more, angry that i don't walk the dog everyday...the list seriously goes on and on...
and then i wonder...i have people in my life that i should have anger for but i don't but the one person that i should love and take care of the most gets it all.
and so i ask myself...how do i change this? can it ever be changed? do i really have anger for others and just mask it?
just wanted to get that out. i need to go to bed now otherwise i will be cursing myself in the morning when i drag myself out of bed.
happy tuesday.
2 comments:
There's this group...it's called Al-Anon...some people there feel exactly like you. Given the backdrop of your life, your far more normal than you think, and it's easier to change than you think, given the right set of tools. It's not your fault. Don't beat yourself up.
Realized at VZDs that I haven't read your blog in a while. Anyway, really good post here. I too am OK being disappointed/angry at myself but I rarely hang on to those feelings toward others. Resentment is poison, I know that. So why do I resent myself?
Anyway, good post. Props for sharing.
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