go to sleep...

it's sunday night at 11:20pm (i think, too much clock confusion) and i'm not ready to say goodbye to the weekend. not that it's been a phenomenal weekend but it is the weekend nonetheless.

tonight i worked on my art homework. a painting using different types of shapes - seriously how hard could this be but it somehow scared the pooh out of me. i think i'm gun shy. afraid i'm doing it wrong, trying to guess what my professor wants or will say. this is not good for tapping into my artistic self - quite the opposite. anyway, i struggled through it and tried to be true to what i wanted to do while also trying to guess her parameters. we will see.

it's another busy week for the both the jones' - i have class again mon-wed. and e has an overnight trip this week and is leaving for a two-three week tour starting this weekend. so it will be hectic. and we have a house guest - it's a long story but aren't they generally at my house.

i've been thinking about something lately and i'm going to try to get it out of my noggin. glimpes. i often say that i catch glimpes of things. just this week i mentioned to an extra life appreciating co-worker ( he says things like, every day above ground is a great day) that every so often i catch glimpes of how good it is to be alive. but normally i'm just caught in the mundane stuff. sometimes when i'm outside and there's sunshine and a light breeze and i can just take it in - i catch a glimpse of joy and peace. sometimes when i stop and just think - not worry about money, or work or dishes but just think about the future or how good it really is - i catch a glimpse of contentment with my life. sometimes when i pray, i catch a glimpse of god. not always but sometimes.

and i wonder. is everyone that way. does everyone just get glimpses of the really good stuff. or are some able to hold onto it. i want to hold onto it. i want to get rid of my logical, worrisome, prone to grumble personality that hinders me from living in the now, appreciating it all. all of it. the house guest, the RA years, the dysfunctional family, my crazy brain...

i think i'm going through a crisis. not a true crisis but a re-evaluation crisis. i'm listening to somewhat depressing music and am thinking about contentment, how i compartmentalize my life, how i need to be a better friend, wondering why i am so hard on my family, wondering what is next...and how can i become the person i want to be.

well, i better go. it's getting late and tomorrow is monday. and it will be a great day because every day above ground is a great day.