dazed and confused...

disclaimer: this blog contains lots of rambling that may or may not make sense to anyone (even me).

i'm not quite a freaked out today as i was on sunday but the panic hasn't completely subsided. and interestingly enough i've realized that i'm not freaked out by what i thought i was freaked out by. you would think that money, security and my overall stability would be what have me in panic. but actually i think i'm just more confused than anything.

confused by what i should do, want to do, need to do...confused by what i should be doing right this minute. working for less than my worth but earning a consistent check. trying some other temp job...that might not earn me money consistently. i'm just not sure about any of the decisions i'm making these days.

but this isn't unusual. lately i've begun to recognize something about myself. i get overwhelmed and confused about a lot of things big, medium and completely insignificant. what to wear. where to eat. which toaster to buy. where to work.

i think this is probably just a symptom of my overthinking everything. i've always got 12,000 things running through my head and sometimes i just can't make sense out of any of them and then i just get overwhelmed and confused.

and there are so many things to take into consideration. everyone's happiness. my happiness. the cost. will there be regret. what if it's a crappy meal which equals a wasted meal.

it just goes on and on.

so anyway, i say all this to say that i'm confused by the options before me. i have a wide open path (or at least for a few months) and i'm completely freaked by the choices i need to make.

i used to feel as if i had some sort of guiding force...we'll call the force god. i knew things in my gut. knew if major change was coming. knew what to choose. not little stuff but major stuff...my gut offered me an answer. but then over the last five years my gut completely stopped helping me. my guess it has something to do with my overwhelming anger at god. my husband was traveling, i was lonely and depressed, my life was at a complete standstill and i was angry at god for it all...we stopped talking. i tried. i wanted to hear something but i couldn't. or chose not to.

until the last couple of months. i knew i was going to loose that horrible job...i knew it. it didn't surprise me in the least. and now my gut says that i need to hang out...not worry about a full-time "real job" just yet. i'm hoping that means that something awesome is going to come along.

so there's my pickle. ride this wave for awhile or be practical. both of which are parts of my personality. i suppose the question is...which won will win and how much stress will it cause me along the way.